White Mothers and Weight

I was standing in the kitchen, opening up a cupboard, when I turned to my friend Sarah who was staying with me for the weekend. We had a sorority sister's wedding to attend. 

"Want some Cheeze-Its?" I offered. 

"No, thank you," Sarah replied politely. 

"If you didn't eat Cheeze-Its, you would look more like Sarah," my mother interjected. Sarah was much thinner than I, having gained a hefty amount of weight thanks to buffets, pizza, and beer in college. Sarah wasn't sure how to react to that statement. Instead, she stared at the placemat in front of her. 

I ignored my mother and defiantly continued my quest for cheese flavored crackers. I was used to her fat-shaming me. Once I put on the college pounds there was no going back. She would spend the next 15 years reminding me that I was not getting younger, yet I was getting heavier. 

When you picture my mother, you may think she is some beauty pageant vapid, shallow being. She's not. My mother is beautiful, but she is a crafty homemaker who loves gardening, wears the same six shirts, and has a penchant for clam digger jeans and sweatpants. This woman was raised on clearance racks, as was I. So she's not the type of person you're picturing right now. 

I share this because despite my willful ignorance, it still fucking hurts. Like I said in my first post, she encouraged me to visit the firehouse around the corner in case a nice single guy "wouldn't mind" an overweight girl like me. 

I hate being the big girl. I won't make excuses. I certainly have eaten my fair share of cheese flavored crackers, drank my fair share of beer, and rolled through my failed share of healthy eating programs and gym memberships. I retain hope that I'll eventually lose the weight, but it has to be for me. Not for my mother. Not for the guys at the firehouse. For. Me. 

Until then, I'll make small changes. And try my damnest not to make this blog a sad diary of an overweight girl in her mid thirties. I'm meeting myself where I am at and you should too. I'll be happy to show you how.